Perspective

I always loved getting away, staying somewhere other than my house.  It is not just the traveling, it was often escaping our clutter mess.  The kids have had most of the week off of school and we tossed around ideas of where to go.  I mentioned skiing, but dropped the ball with planning because it was going to be so cold and it was looking to be pricey by the time we factored lessons and accommodations.  While at yoga Amine made plans and the next day we decided to head up to Wells, Maine, our go to spot for winter weekend trips.  Amine and the kids love the pool, we all love a great cup of chowder and it is pretty reasonable.  I dragged my feet a bit and wasn't as excited as usual.  The suite feels smaller, the bed is hard, the decorations tacky and our favorite chowder place is closed for the season.  Aya woke up at 4:00 a.m. And didn't want to go back to sleep which didn't help matters.  At 5:00 a.m. I began composing this post in my head which didn't help either.  I missed my bed, I missed my house.  I feel better today seeing the kids in the pool, doing my ritual shopping at Remy's and a decent seafood dinner in my belly, but I finally get the idea of home.  Having home be a place you actually prefer over others, perspective.

Stuff and moments

This weekend we got a Prius and I got a new fancy camera, neither were new, but they are 'stuff' that we wanted, stuff to make us happy.  However, my happy came more from moments, the look Aya gave me as she waited for me while I got ready for bed, her little hand gripping mine as she tries to settle into a nap.  Today we bundled up and built snowmen, I showed the kids different birds at the bird feeder, very small moments.
Adam was cutie-patootie, my love bug, before Aya was born, lately he has been denying both identities saying 'I am Adam' and saying he doesn't like me, he loves Baba.  I try to lie down with Adam to settle him for nap and bedtime to grab a few minutes of precious one on one time with him, but I think it isn't happening often enough or it's not enough for him.  I don't want him to feel replaced with the newest little one.  I want each child to have moments.  I feel like they are harder to come by as the kids get older and of course now that there are four kids.  Moments with Iman and Tayeb are harder to notice, they aren't as physical and they and I don't seem to crave them in the same way.  Maybe that's wrong, they probably do crave them and I don't notice that.  Sometimes walking and holding their hands I pay attention to rub their hand in mine and notice the size of it, the feel of their skin, but the hugs and kisses are quicker and not as often as they are with the little ones.  There are less of those timeless moments I experience with a baby.  With the baby, I look into her eyes, study her, kiss her forehead repeatedly.  The other night as I held her in my arms while she slept, I kissed her head and let my lips rest on her head, my breath on her skin, her heartbeat on my lips, a crazy close connection to a baby, three months old, not yet able to talk to me, to tell me who she is and what she wants, but connected all the same.  The other children had those same moments with Mama, but now most connection is through conversation and often that chatter is full of meaningless noise, 'clean this', 'get ready', not precious moments by any stretch.  It is easier with the young ones to find the sweet moments.  I think I need to put more effort into finding them with all the kids.

  The cats in the cradle, the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon...

I always thought it was such a sad song, hopefully our life will follow a happier tune.

Very Serious Baby

Today, dropped kids at school, drove in to JP for music class, immediately head back to school for pick up, home for lunch, drove kids to dance class, home for Adam's nap, Amine home for 45 minutes then off again, left to my own devices for afternoon, dinner and bedtime.  A busy day, but by dinner when Tayeb curled into a ball defeated by onions on his plate I leaped into SNL skit/playful parenting.  Aya became 'very serious baby'.  I donned a non-specific, slightly Russian man's accent and became a ventriloquist with Aya as the 'dummy', she commanded that each child eats three pieces of chicken between cracking deadpan jokes about eating her sweater and not actually being able to count to three.  It was gold baby, gold.  The kids ate seven pieces of chicken and had to explain to very serious baby that seven was better than three.  The kids ate dinner and went to bed no fuss no muss and I got to make them laugh rather than blowing my top when Tayeb refused to eat.  Gold, I tell you!

If a tree falls...

Today I pretty much cleaned our entire house in preparation for the guests Amine invited over today. Four bathrooms, three bedrooms, two living rooms, the entryway and dining areas.  All with the idea someone who hasn't seen the house yet would want a tour.  The only people who came are people who have been here several times before, so no tours.  I feel like that 'does a tree that falls in the forest make a noise?'  Is a clean house that no one sees really worth the trouble?  I just walked around and took photos so if my house is never clean again I at least will have photos to prove it did happen once.
 I realize now that I should have taken 'before' pictures for the general public to appreciate the true feat accomplished.  On the positive side, Amine made an awesome meal, we had friends and family over for a visit and my house is clean.

Making art

I mentioned painting to Tayeb yesterday.  Today he remembered and got canvases out and ready to go.  We should paint more often, it goes quickly, but I always love what they make.  They are so free and haven't reached the age of self doubt yet, they just enjoy making art, something adults forget and have to work towards again.  They are taking their time more now and 'finish' before turning the canvas into a muddy mess like they used to.  I even got Aya  involved whether she liked it or not.

Aya's left hand and right foot