This weekend we got a Prius and I got a new fancy camera, neither were new, but they are 'stuff' that we wanted, stuff to make us happy. However, my happy came more from moments, the look Aya gave me as she waited for me while I got ready for bed, her little hand gripping mine as she tries to settle into a nap. Today we bundled up and built snowmen, I showed the kids different birds at the bird feeder, very small moments.
Adam was cutie-patootie, my love bug, before Aya was born, lately he has been denying both identities saying 'I am Adam' and saying he doesn't like me, he loves Baba. I try to lie down with Adam to settle him for nap and bedtime to grab a few minutes of precious one on one time with him, but I think it isn't happening often enough or it's not enough for him. I don't want him to feel replaced with the newest little one. I want each child to have moments. I feel like they are harder to come by as the kids get older and of course now that there are four kids. Moments with Iman and Tayeb are harder to notice, they aren't as physical and they and I don't seem to crave them in the same way. Maybe that's wrong, they probably do crave them and I don't notice that. Sometimes walking and holding their hands I pay attention to rub their hand in mine and notice the size of it, the feel of their skin, but the hugs and kisses are quicker and not as often as they are with the little ones. There are less of those timeless moments I experience with a baby. With the baby, I look into her eyes, study her, kiss her forehead repeatedly. The other night as I held her in my arms while she slept, I kissed her head and let my lips rest on her head, my breath on her skin, her heartbeat on my lips, a crazy close connection to a baby, three months old, not yet able to talk to me, to tell me who she is and what she wants, but connected all the same. The other children had those same moments with Mama, but now most connection is through conversation and often that chatter is full of meaningless noise, 'clean this', 'get ready', not precious moments by any stretch. It is easier with the young ones to find the sweet moments. I think I need to put more effort into finding them with all the kids.
The cats in the cradle, the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon...
I always thought it was such a sad song, hopefully our life will follow a happier tune.
Adam was cutie-patootie, my love bug, before Aya was born, lately he has been denying both identities saying 'I am Adam' and saying he doesn't like me, he loves Baba. I try to lie down with Adam to settle him for nap and bedtime to grab a few minutes of precious one on one time with him, but I think it isn't happening often enough or it's not enough for him. I don't want him to feel replaced with the newest little one. I want each child to have moments. I feel like they are harder to come by as the kids get older and of course now that there are four kids. Moments with Iman and Tayeb are harder to notice, they aren't as physical and they and I don't seem to crave them in the same way. Maybe that's wrong, they probably do crave them and I don't notice that. Sometimes walking and holding their hands I pay attention to rub their hand in mine and notice the size of it, the feel of their skin, but the hugs and kisses are quicker and not as often as they are with the little ones. There are less of those timeless moments I experience with a baby. With the baby, I look into her eyes, study her, kiss her forehead repeatedly. The other night as I held her in my arms while she slept, I kissed her head and let my lips rest on her head, my breath on her skin, her heartbeat on my lips, a crazy close connection to a baby, three months old, not yet able to talk to me, to tell me who she is and what she wants, but connected all the same. The other children had those same moments with Mama, but now most connection is through conversation and often that chatter is full of meaningless noise, 'clean this', 'get ready', not precious moments by any stretch. It is easier with the young ones to find the sweet moments. I think I need to put more effort into finding them with all the kids.
The cats in the cradle, the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon...
I always thought it was such a sad song, hopefully our life will follow a happier tune.
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