Difference in a day

Today we had Nick and Diana's family over for dinner.  The kids and I spent the day at home while Amine worked at the office.  Tayeb made an amazing Lego world and I read lots of books to Aya.  I cleaned the kitchen and Amine came home to cook.  It makes a world of difference to have friends over and extra kids playing in the house.  Chaos but also relaxing and refreshing.  I had s long session of tickle monster chasing all the kids around.  After our guests left we even put the house back together so the kitchen is clean again and the linen closet fort has been restored to a linen closet.  We haven't managed date nights very often, but this might be even better, having social time for the adults and the kids have fun too instead of sitter drama.

I remembered that I should document the tooth count for the big kids.  Tayeb lost his first top front tooth a week or two before Christmas.  Iman lost the same tooth last week and her other front tooth a few days later (Jan. 7th and 10th).

Rhythm

Time passes too quickly.  I feel as though I blink and six months have passed.  We have gotten into our rhythm of days, the kids in school, drop offs, pick ups, trying to keep the house reasonably clean and tidy, laundry, food.  That's the big boring bulk of it.  No great adventures or travels, but then I realize that Aya is a real little person now.  The last time I wrote she was crawling, a week before her birthday she was walking.  I think she was running a week after that.  She dances, laughs and climbs. She opens the freezer and asks for books to be read all day long.  She still talks in mostly vowels, "uhn-uh" for "no" and "uh-huh" for yes, "mama", "baba", "boyah, boyah" and sometimes "maba" which might be "Adam".  She does seem to understand most of what I say and answers with her yes or no when we ask a question.  I think six months from now she will be a chatterbox so I wanted to document the time of few words.  I finally started helping Adam pronounce l's.  I always thought it was cute to hear his words with w's instead of l's (wight instead of light etc.). I think part of me liked still hearing him with some baby talk, but it is dawning on me that he will be four in a few weeks, not my little baby.  Tayeb is still closely bonded to Aya.  She gives him real kisses and loves him so much, maybe even more than she loves kitty boo.  I know Iman wants to be close to her, but many times she treats Aya as though she were a baby doll.  It willbe interesting to see how their relationship develops.  Sisters always seem to have interesting and complicated relationships.  I can already see that Tayeb and Adam will be the big brothers who look out for her.  I think the weather is getting to me this winter.  Snow is at least pretty and is fun for the kids, but grey and cold really has no benefits.  We just stay inside more than we should.  I am already looking forward to spring and summer and I feel like there is still a lot of winter left.  I am starting to think of things in that vague future when I have more time.  I would like to attend a doula training and even become a midwife.  I always think it would be good to paint more and practice yoga regularly.  Right now I am still in survival mode, a somewhat relaxed survival mode.

Today

Woke up, got ready, got kids dressed, had breakfast, packed lunches and snacks, brought kids to school, grocery shopped, clothes shopped, brought groceries home, picked up Adam, collected eggs and fed chickens, made Adam lunch, ate lunch, drafted, picked kids up from school, went apple picking, made juice, milked Daisy, made dinner, ate dinner, read to kids, put kids to bed, drafted, wrote in blog because I need two minutes of down time.

I don't know how I managed to log 5 1/2 hours of drafting time with everything else today, but I am pretty sure it is the cause for the tension in the house.  I think side jobs need to be limited to two-three hours a few days a week.  Somehow, I have logged 39 hours drafting for Marianne since mid-August and 10 hours for another side job.  It is nice to feel like I am contributing some money to our household, but it has been a crazy month.  I have renewed respect for working moms, I don't know how you do it.

Mama martyrdom

I was talking to Beau last Saturday.  He went to Kung Fu class even though he was solo parenting.  His upstairs neighbors watched the kids so he could go.  I thought about how the last yoga class I attended was in February, also my last haircut and date night, all coordinating with our trip to my parents' house.  I haven't played golf in four years, when I was pregnant with Adam.  I haven't snowboarded since I was pregnant with the twins, so that is seven years.  Drawing, painting, reading books, attending concerts, all very rare these days.  Why does momdom mean martyrdom?  I exaggerate of course, but there is definitely putting the littles needs and desires above my own.  When I get blips of time when I have less than four kids in tow I almost always spend that time running errands or grocery shopping.  When I get a sitter it is so I can clean or do laundry.   Motherhood is not glamorous, a fact driven home during potty training during diarrhea, but I think it also shouldn't be completely selfless.
I always smiled and silently disagreed when my yoga instructor would talk about how she needed to do things for herself and then she could give to her children.  I did not believe in the well that you fill and then give from.  My well is running low though.  I have made a pitch in the past for some weekly time to recharge and I am feeling that need again.  I seem to get swallowed up by baby's first year.  There is a desire to soak up every moment and there is the physical tie due to nursing.  I have only managed to be away from Aya for about three hours.  I realized today was the first time Adam was dropped off, he has been with Amine or me for every activity and day of his life.  I have always given this time willingly and freely assuming it is fleeting moments in my kids' lives that I will look back on and cherish.   Someday, years from now, I will have physical freedom to go where I want with ease when I want, these desires seem petty.  Maybe our travels to Morocco drained me a bit.  Four kids is a lot, I love them crazy, but it's a lot.

Summer

Have the goats become the straw that broke the blogger's back?  Is that a mixed metaphor?  We have settled into summer.  The nine chickens are starting to free range a bit and thankfully still put themselves in the run in the late afternoon and inside the coop in the evening.  They have yet to lay an egg, but they are blissfully simple to care for.  The goats are characters, Daisy has worn several 'sticks of shame'.  She pushes her head through the fence, then her horns hook as she tries to pull herself free.  I came home Sunday to find her doubly stuck, she tried to do a u-turn once stuck.  She is unsettled when I milk her, having been spoiled with treats every time she fidgets, but I have made many batches of goat cheese and have begun selling it, so Daisy is beginning to pay her own way.  I think she knows this and is claiming her diva status.  I went from no plans for summer, to scheduling two weeks of swimming lessons and two weeks of morning camp.  Something to give a bit of structure and time with other kids and grown ups.  Today I let the kids swim in the lake while I sat on the beach with Aya, they ran free around the field with their friends during a concert and walked up to the ice cream vendor by themselves with money in hand to buy an ice cream.  These seem like minor things, but it is a bit of freedom this small town has afforded us.  I did not fear that they would be lost in the crowd or snatched in front of my eyes.  I can picture a future where they can ride bikes to a friend's house and I like it.  Aya is now nine months, four teeth, pulling herself to standing, feeding herself and otherwise just being generally cute and sweet.  She gives big wet open mouth kisses and claps her hands if she's happy, or if she sees other people clapping.  She has a great belly laugh that the kids can easily bring out of her.  Iman and Tayeb are reading independently, and such that it isn't painful to listen to anymore.  They learned to ride bikes without training wheels.  Adam updates, still resisting becoming a big boy when it comes to potty training, but he is more independent than Iman and Tayeb ever were at his age.  He is my little farm boy who is happy to be barefoot in the backyard or naked in the kiddie pool.  He is a flirt with all the older ladies, whether they be six or twenty-six.  Although he hates to hear it now, he is still my love bug, my cutie patootie.

I am not sure what I have missed, but I am exhausted writing.  We are finding our way in life, in our town.